My sister, Bonnie, and I just got back from a road trip to Arizona to help out our parents. This trip involved 42 hours together in a car, with a few strategic stops along the way to eat unhealthily and use bathrooms of questionable cleanliness. In short, it was a rousing success. Here are some deep thoughts from along the way.
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Dear Foil Packet of Cheap Shampoo,
I tried to open you as I stood in a robin's egg blue hotel bathtub somewhere in Kansas, surrounded by mango-colored tile, with a weak stream of lukewarm shower water drizzling down on me. I could not get you open. I tried with one hand, then the other. I dried my hands on a towel outside the shower curtain and tried again. I finally resorted to using my teeth. On the third try, I gnawed a tiny hole through. I was rewarded with a quarter ounce of vaguely soapy liquid with the scent of Generic Grandmother. Why did that have to be so difficult?
Sincerely,
Sarah
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Dear Texahoma,
I appreciated you for using a name that makes your town's position on the border of Texas and Oklahoma obvious. I also appreciated your 25-foot paper mache cowboy as a photo opportunity, even though some unkind soul had taken the liberty of punching a hole through his nether-regions. I wonder if it was the same unkind soul who shot a bullet through the groin bits of every sign with a cow on it in the entire state of Texas. Regardless, thank you Texahoma.
Sincerely,
Sarah
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Dear New Mexico Stuckey's Gift Shop,
I admit that when I saw the first poorly-formed, half-life-size plastic figurine of a Native American of Indeterminate Tribe, I thought it might be tacky. But when I saw that they were 50% off, so that I could get both of them as a culturally insensitive matched pair, suddenly that made it all better.
Sincerely,
Sarah
Dear Unnamed Officer of the Joplin Missouri Police Department,
Thank you for pulling me over at 1am as I turned into the parking lot of an utterly deserted gas station near the freeway, to remind me that a turn signal is important even if absolutely no one is around to see me use it. More importantly, thank you for not giving me a ticket, as you must have recognized from my frazzled hair and car full of McDonald's trash that I had clearly suffered enough already.
Sincerely,
Sarah
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Dear Foil Packet of Cheap Shampoo,
I tried to open you as I stood in a robin's egg blue hotel bathtub somewhere in Kansas, surrounded by mango-colored tile, with a weak stream of lukewarm shower water drizzling down on me. I could not get you open. I tried with one hand, then the other. I dried my hands on a towel outside the shower curtain and tried again. I finally resorted to using my teeth. On the third try, I gnawed a tiny hole through. I was rewarded with a quarter ounce of vaguely soapy liquid with the scent of Generic Grandmother. Why did that have to be so difficult?
Sincerely,
Sarah
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Dear Texahoma,
I appreciated you for using a name that makes your town's position on the border of Texas and Oklahoma obvious. I also appreciated your 25-foot paper mache cowboy as a photo opportunity, even though some unkind soul had taken the liberty of punching a hole through his nether-regions. I wonder if it was the same unkind soul who shot a bullet through the groin bits of every sign with a cow on it in the entire state of Texas. Regardless, thank you Texahoma.
Sincerely,
Sarah
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Dear New Mexico Stuckey's Gift Shop,
I admit that when I saw the first poorly-formed, half-life-size plastic figurine of a Native American of Indeterminate Tribe, I thought it might be tacky. But when I saw that they were 50% off, so that I could get both of them as a culturally insensitive matched pair, suddenly that made it all better.
Sincerely,
Sarah
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Dear Eagar Arizona Fire & Rescue,
When an anonymous caller phoned you on Monday to report that there was a large bonfire blazing out of control behind my parents' house, and that "two little girls" were running around it frantically with a garden hose trying to keep the nearby tree and woodpile from catching on fire, what they really meant was that Bonnie and I had the situation completely under control. I promise. Thank you for coming to hang out with us for a while anyway. Inviting the ambulance along was a nice touch, too.
Sincerely,
Sarah
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Dear Unnamed Officer of the Joplin Missouri Police Department,
Thank you for pulling me over at 1am as I turned into the parking lot of an utterly deserted gas station near the freeway, to remind me that a turn signal is important even if absolutely no one is around to see me use it. More importantly, thank you for not giving me a ticket, as you must have recognized from my frazzled hair and car full of McDonald's trash that I had clearly suffered enough already.
Sincerely,
Sarah
