People Math

Mathematics has long been established as the language of science. Venerated nerdy disciplines like physics, chemistry, population genetics, astronomy, physiology, and computing are all modeled on it, and their major discoveries are communicated through it. You know one place where math is lacking? A domain with only rare lukewarm math usage? The domain of human personalities and social interactions. I say the time has come for social math! Let's start with two new mathematic ratios:

1. The Bang to Talk Ratio (BTR). Credit for this first theory goes to my former classmate, Fima. He's smart, educated, and social, with an occasional dash of smarmy. Clearly one of the great sociologic thinkers of our era:

(In all fairness, he doesn't usually wear a purple and teal poly-vinyl track suit. This was at an 80's night party our class had. Normally, the smarm isn't so flagrant. And normally, I'm not wearing a side-ponytail plus a denim jacket from the Lisa Turtle Collection.)

The Bang to Talk Ratio describes how often two people physically interact with each other compared to how often they actually talk to each other. It can describe any social dyad. Every human relationship falls somewhere on the continuum.

.

For example, two professional co-workers would have a

BTR of 0:1 = 0 = All talk.

.

The two vapid, hormonal, subintellectuals who are always making out on the park bench when I'm walking to the library, who never even come up for air and may as well be mute because they probably don't verbally communicate at all, would have a BTR of 1:0 = infinite = All bang.

.

Fima was in a long-distance relationship when he came up with the concept of the BTR. The BTR of two people in a long-distance relationship varies wildly, depending whether you ask them when they're in separate cities (pegged at 0), or visiting each other in the same city (veering toward infinity).

.

Simple social math at its finest! Thank you, Fima!

* * * * *

2. The Sportsbra to Lacy Undies Ratio (SLUR). This one arose from a conversation with my sister, Bonnie, as a way of characterizing any post-adolescent female. If you look in any gal's drawer, you will find a varied mixture of inner-wear. Some of the items will be spandex/dri-fit/lycra/Nike/Reebok. Some of the items will be lacy/animal-printed/impossibly tiny. The number of items in the former category compared to the latter category constitutes the Sportsbra to Lacy Undies Ratio.

.

A higher SLUR means more sportsbras: practical, sturdy, not maximally flattering but a definite hint at all kinds of fun, sporty, awesome adventures.

.

A SLUR nearer to 0 means more stuff that's alluring and pretty but deliberately useless.

.

You can tell a lot about a girl by her SLUR. For example, the 1976 East German Women's Swim Team may have had a

SLUR nearing 1:0 = infinite = All sportsbra.

Generations of "Is that a dude?" jokes resulted.

I'll go out on a limb and say Paris Hilton's SLUR = 0 = All senseless fluff.

This lady is anybody's guess, but she's awesome regardless.