The summer after high school graduation, I worked at Taco Bell.
(That's not the scandal.)
Even though it was the summer of The Second-Worst Haircut Ever, the Definitely Worst Unisex Employee Uniform ever, and the Newest Employee Always Has to Clean the Men's Restroom policy, I still have a soft spot for Taco Bell. I even eat there once in a while. (That's not the scandal either.)
Taco Bell uses cellulose to bulk up its taco meat.
Translation: Start with logs.
Throw them through a wood chipper.
Then, grind them to dust in a rotating drum full of steel ball bearings for a dozen hours.
Mix that finely powdered wood pulp in with a bit of hamburger and pass it all off as meat.
Here's the scandal:
Sometime in the past month, the Taco Bell woodpulpmeatmashgreasylardproduct alchemy has been failing for some reason. The meat looks woody. The grease dribbles right out of the taco and onto your lap. The Taco Bell powers that be blame the pulp-makers. The pulp-makers retort with "Dudes, we never said this was food anyway."
The taco world is brimming with controversy and you didn't even know it.
(((cue the ominous music)))
I remember that summer. It was my summer at McDonalds... why did we ever want to go to college after awesome summers like those?
ReplyDeleteI am showing this post to my boys so they'll have no desire to eat there any more.
What else do they put in their "woodpulpmeatmashgreasylardproduct" that is so disgustingly addicting?
Awwww Teddy, are you nostalgic for the good old Egg McMuffin days of your misspent youth?
DeleteAs for the addictive secret ingredient, they never told me. I think you have to get promoted to the really high level inner circle (like, maybe, drive-through operator, or sauce packet organizer) before they tell you that kind of stuff. I was just a lowly taco maker and bathroom mopper.
Bwahahaha Taco Bell. That is all.
ReplyDeleteThanks for ruining Taco Bell for everyone, Sar. And I mean everyone. That's the last beefy crunch grilled burrito I ever buy you!
ReplyDelete