Camping: A How (not?) To Guide to Success

The key to successful camping trips is to plan them at the last minute and bring as few things as possible, thus ensuring that the families in the neighboring campsites will stare at you curiously from between the zippered flaps of their 3-room chateau tents, which are located next to their overloaded mini-vans that they are using to power a portable electric grill, air conditioner, washer/dryer, and satellite TV.

Dave and I went camping last weekend. In contrast to all the fishing gear, swimming toys, tandem bikes, and chef cookout equipment that our neighbors in campsites #54 and #56 were sporting, we pulled into spot #55 with some matches, a couple of ziploc bags with food, and a tin can.

So what if we *may* have forgotten to bring any utensils?

So what if I *might* have had to resort to using the foil wrapper from a stray packet of sutures in the bottom of my backpack to make a spoon?

That's no reason for the inhabitants of campsite #54 to think we were total campground failures. That spoon worked fine!

Doesn't Dave look like he's winning???

So what if we *may* have gotten a bit lost for a moment on the hiking trail?

So what if we had to rely on a trail-marker map that *might* have been deliberately designed to instill a sense of utter desolation?

Let me zoom that in for you. You Are Here.

That translates to: You Are Here. Alone. Somewhere-ish. Bwaah-haa-haaaah!

So what if we *perhaps* tromped for several hours through tick-infested forest underbrush while all the other campers were grilling their filet mignon and playing Wii in their motorhomes? 

So what if we *possibly* had to stop hiking every 200 meters to see whether our legs were encrusted with those litte blood-sucking tick monsters, and I *maybe* emitted a delicate shriek of terror whenever I found one?

That's not a failure! Putting yourself on Tick Watch and waiting for the Lyme Disease fevers and Bell's Palsy to set in just builds character!

And character is what camping is all about! Building character is really a lot of fun!

Only the finest light fixtures will do

There are certain venerated traditions of St Louis that you will inevitably get pulled into at some point if you live here long enough. One such cultural institution is the Budweiser Brewery tour. It's like those factory tours they used to take on Mr Rogers' Neighborhood (of which, oh my goodness, Volume 2 Episode 6 "How People Make Crayons" was a life-changer). Admittedly, compared to Mr Rogers tours, the Bud tour has more adults and a lot more beer guts and way fewer cardigans, but still has plenty of factory equipment whirring around and zipping past in amazing automated ways. 

What do I remember most from the tour, though?  Here's the Top Two countdown:

#2 The Budweiser Clydesdales. This one was a bit of a snob, refusing to give me an autograph even though I asked nicely. Alas, fame has clearly hardened him. At least he hasn't pulled a Charlie Sheen (...yet).

#1 The stable where the Clydesdales live is immaculately clean and has a chandelier. Seriously. 
If there is reincarnation, I bet the really good souls come back as Clydesdales.

It's dangerous being a stick figure these days

Remember back in the olden days when all you ever saw stick figures doing on signs was safely crossing the street while carrying a purse (or Man Bag, as the case may be)?

Those were innocent times. The only peril back then was the fact that they had no necks or feet.

Now, a mere walk around my neighborhood easily produces multiple signs depicting the stuff stick figures' nightmares are made of, including the Surprisingly Swift Gate Smash-o-Matic.

Not to mention Malevolent Parking Garage Entrance Barricade,

and Macabre Death By Angry Electric Cloud Monster.